Dare to Ask: Do gay men typically not date 'out of their league'?

By Phillip J. Milano

Question

I’m called handsome by some, but I think I am unattractive. I recently started accepting my sexuality and realized I am gay. Is there acceptance in the gay community for “ugly” people?

N.N., 17, male, Minnesota

Replies

Young metros who go to clubs might desire a particular look, but that is not ubiquitous to all gay men. Most of my gay friends are just average-looking. They say there's someone for everyone. Just try not to obsess over your appearance. That kind of vain insecurity is unappealing to all stripes of sexual orientation.

Dot, female, Los Angeles

Different people find different features attractive, so I'd suggest believing the people who call you handsome. While there are certain features that turn me off (mustaches), in general, chemistry is more important to me than looks.

Charles, 56, gay, Oakland, Calif.

Expert says

Let's not forget, gay males aren't just gay, they're male, too. That means that, just like many straight guys, many gay guys are really big on looks first, says author and gay dating expert Michael Alvear (Gaydatingsuccess.net).

“There’s definitely a standard by which everyone is compared, and it is typically young, tall, muscular and hopefully with a big package. It’s our version of big [breasts],” said Alvear, who co-hosted HBO’s “The Sex Inspectors” and writes books on how to attract hot gay guys.

What makes the whole hunkiness thing so suffocating for many gay men is that there’s no opposite sex – i.e., women – to blunt the sharp focus on looks, he said.

“Women don’t put as much emphasis on male appearance. So you can walk down the street and see a gorgeous woman with a fat, ugly toad of a straight guy, but in gay life you’ll almost never see a fat-ugly-toad guy with a beautiful guy, unless he’s an escort.”

That means gay men can’t usually date “out of their league,” whereas a straight guy can often find a partner to judge him first on things other than appearance, like personality, experience, humor or wealth, Alvear said.

“Gay men aren’t shallow, but like straight men, they have priorities. Research shows it’s an evolutionary principle with men in general.”

A 2009 Harvard University study on facial attraction, for example, found that gay and straight men both like faces more synonymous to the sex they’re attracted to. Specifically, gay guys are really into masculine-faced men (broad jaw and forehead, etc.) while straight guys prefer feminine-faced women (tapered chin, big lips, narrow forehead).

Meanwhile, prior research also found women prefer more masculine male faces when ovulating, possibly for procreation reasons.

“You are biologically inclined to look for markers of fertility in the sex to which you are attracted. It’s in the genes,” Alvear said.

ADD OR READ MORE COMMENTS

This is your column. You can help it grow! If you like "Dare to Ask," please call or e-mail your favorite newspaper or web site and urge them to start running it.

Phillip Milano, author of "I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee)," moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Keep the cross-cultural dialogue going at his Jacksonville.com blog or at www.yforum.com. Send general column comments to yforum (at) yforum.com. You can also hear his podcasts.