DARE TO ASK: Passing out from grief at funeral?

By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union

Question

What is the origin and significance in Hispanic culture of grieving (weeping) until one passes out after the death of a loved one? This was widespread after the death of a popular local girl.

J. Cook, 43, white, Fillmore, Calif.

Replies

Wow! Passing out. This girl must have been truly loved and the people around her very emotional, but I think to relate this event to "Hispanic culture" is generalizing a bit too much. It could probably be a custom in a certain region of Mexico, for example. What if you don't want to cry anymore? Should you keep going till you pass out, to stick with tradition?

N. Agelvis, 29, Latino, Venezuela

I don't know the origin of weeping until you pass out at funerals, but I saw it among my aunts when I was younger. I believe some people are more emotional and not afraid to show their sorrow.

Cindy R., 37, Chicana, Los Angeles

How do you pass out from crying? Is that medically possible? I'm first-generation Mexican, and this is the first time I've heard of this.

Al, 47, Mexican, Saudi Arabia

It is a very old Mexican tradition to weep at funerals. In small towns it used to be common to hire "lloronas" (wailing or weeping women). It is not only a reflection of emotions but a very deep root custom in smaller communities.

Guillermo, 40, Mexican, Monterrey, Calif.

Expert says

Big-time wailing can be common at Hispanic funerals, especially for poorer Mexican and Mexican-American families, says Velma Sue De Leon, owner of Memorial Funeral Home in San Juan, Texas, 7 miles from Mexico.

"There is a lot of grieving, it's natural and there's no pretense. ... Some people in Hispanic culture end up living together generation after generation, so naturally when they part, it's a jolt," she said. "Hispanics are more expressive. There are close family ties, and we have a hard time parting with loved ones."

The University of Washington Medical Center's "Culture Clues" guidelines for Latino end-of-life care state: "Wailing and the demonstration of strong emotions at the time of death may be considered a sign of respect. While patients and family members may exhibit stoicism during an illness, the stoicism may not be maintained when a death has occurred."

But getting comatose about it?

"I've seen some passing out, but it's not common," De Leon said.

Other practices: requesting to cleanse the body, sitting with the deceased long after death, burning candles, displaying pictures of saints, using rosaries and "personalizing" the death.

"At one funeral they put a radio in the casket and left it playing, and as we were covering the grave you could hear Mexican polka," De Leon said. "The person who died was really into that type of music."

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers, or mail to Phillip Milano, c/o The Florida Times-Union, P.O. Box 1949, Jacksonville, FL 32231. Include contact information.