Dare to Ask: Do Indian kids lack discipline?

By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union

Question

Why do Indians let their kids do what they please? I asked a guy from India why he let his child scream and slam doors, and he said books said you should let your child do as they please.

Rhea, 22, white, Albany, N.Y.

Replies

Looked around lately? Most parents today act like this with their kids. . . . It's not a race issue. It's a society-full-of-crappy-parents issue.

Cassy, 22, white, Jacksonville

Indians do punish their kids . . .

Sorgul, 20, Kurdish female, Atlanta

I work in a place frequented by a broad range of people. You know which parents don't discipline? White parents, black parents, Indian parents, non-Indian Asian parents, gay parents, straight parents, etc. . . . And of course, there are parents in all those groups whose children do behave well.

Lynne, Gainesville

Expert says

Family therapist Mudita Rastogi does not see a lot of Indian kids throwing tantrums in Albany, N.Y.

OK, her practice is in Arlington Heights, Ill., but still.

Actually, Rastogi, a professor of clinical psychology and a parenting expert with experience in India and the States, didn't blow off the whole notion of Indian parents being more permissive.

"Research says that up to age 5, children in Indian families are indulged more, and the parents are more easygoing," she said.

Here's why: Lots of Indian parents immigrated to the U.S. in recent decades. It was more collectivist where they grew up, and the needs of the family often trumped those of the individual.

"Many were raised to include children in all activities . . . so most are comfortable being around kids, and expect that they will take part," Rastogi said. "That means people accommodate to their needs."

Take a grocery store meltdown by an Indian tot (not that we've ever seen an American cherub have a hernia by the Shrek Push-up Pops, but work with us). "In a case like that, it might be terrible for a white mom to have her kid cry and say 'I want candy,' but an Indian parent might say, 'Well, the kid was hungry' and look at it from a child-centered perspective."

However, most children of Indian parents who are immigrants adapt to different expectations in America, perhaps behaving one way at school and another at an Indian event, Rastogi said.

Adaptation should go both ways, though.

"How a child appears in public might not be as important as whether the children care about the needs of other family members. Are they considerate of everyone in the family, and willing to share with the extended family? . . . Many Indian families I know will do anything for their parents."

Therefore, we in the U.S. might examine where our own discomfort comes from on this issue, she said.

"It might be, 'How much can I tolerate something different, as long as the child is not destroying property or doing something unsafe?' We need to ask, 'Why is it bothering me so much?' "

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip.milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts or watch his TV spots.