Dare to Ask: Interracial dating isn’t for everyone

By Phillip Milano

The Florida Times-Union

Question

I don’t judge others who date outside their race or ethnicity. I just would never want to myself. Is this normal? Does this make me racist? — Jaime, 19, white, Colorado

Replies

I’ve seen attractive white men, but I can never see myself with them. I’m not attracted to them that way. Doesn’t mean that white people are ugly or undesirable. It just means that I am more particular than some about what turns me on. — Michelle, 30, black, Houston

Just as you can’t judge folks in an interracial relationship, no one can judge your preferences, either. But you are young, and anything is possible for the future. Two years ago I never imagined I would be happy with a man from a Muslim country, but here we are. — Teresa, 21, white, Illinois

As you get older, see more of the world and are exposed to more people of other races, your internal paradigm may very well expand. Never let the PC fascists make you feel ashamed if it does not. — Ann, 39, white, Kansas City, Mo.

The more a person’s background is different from yours, the more difficulties and obstacles there will be for you in dating … in part because of things within ourselves, and in part because of the way our families, friends and society as a whole will treat such relationships. — Dave, New Orleans

You might become interested in dating a person of another race if you spent some time with people of other races, like I did. — Michael, Chicago

Expert says

We fully accept that some folks might have a personal aversion to interracial dating. It’s like people who shy away from LeanCuisine meals as a rule because, well, it just works for them.

But then something happens. When you least expect it, you run across the Baja-Style Chicken Quesadilla. Out of nowhere you’re confronted with grilled chicken strips, black beans, corn with reduced-fat mozzarella cheese in a flour tortilla, and you think, “Well now, I actually might consider a nibble of that.” And then you do, and it works out OK because the package had that thing where you fold its flap over the top to create the silver crisping platform. And it all ends up being quite tasty. Only 270 calories.

You’re left to wonder, What if I had stuck with only Healthy Choice for the rest of my life?

Turns out, more people are taking nibbles. And others aren’t staring at them in the frozen foods aisle as much. According to U.S. Census data, about 8 percent — 4.5 million — of U.S. marriages are now mixed-race, up 20 percent since 2000.

Meanwhile, more than eight in 10 Americans overall think interracial dating is OK, according to a 2007 Pew Research Center survey. That’s way up from 1987, when only 48 percent approved.

For Ming Gregory, who co-founded the Color Blind International dating service (colorblindintl.com ), it’s definitely not racist to go for your own race.

“When we’re young, we have role models, we have people who look like us, and we are conditioned to think and do things a certain way,” she said. “It’s only racist if you’re saying you hate another race.”

But, people sometimes stick to their own kind out of stereotypes, which is unhealthy, she added.

“I might hear a client say 'Oh, this one [is not well-endowed],’ or 'This one is noncommittal’ … There are so many different ones, and they are false.”

If you don’t investigate further, you’ll miss out on “wonderful opportunities.”

“At the end of the day, true love is hard to find, and you have a bigger pool when more options are kept open,” Gregory said.

ADD OR READ MORE COMMENTS

This is your column. You can help it grow! If you like "Dare to Ask," please call or e-mail your favorite newspaper or web site and urge them to start running it.

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Keep the cross-cultural dialogue going at our Jacksonville.com blog or at www.yforum.com, or mail comments to Phillip Milano, Times-Union, P.O. Box 1949, Jacksonville, FL 32231. Send general column comments to yforum (at) yforum.com. You can also hear his podcasts.