DARE TO ASK: So stop your kvetching about her

By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union

Question

I work for an older, wealthy Jewish woman who walks into our office and begins by criticizing everything. I've been told this is typical of Jewish women. Is this a culture issue?

Thirty-Year-Old, St Louis

Replies

Jewish people have been persecuted and chased out of more countries than I have space to list. We have become survivalists. [Your boss] pays extreme attention to detail because as Jews we are used to our decisions having life-and-death consequences. If you aren't the best, you are dead or being sold a one-way ticket on a train bound for nowhere.

Rachel, 24, Jewish female, Oceanside, Calif.

I have worked with many a Jewish person, and they do tend to be aggressive, but as long as you know your stuff and do what you're supposed to do, everything works out.

Anabwi, 42, black female, Plantation

I don't agree it is a Jewish female trait to be critical. I have to say the Jewish culture tends to place a higher value on tolerance and respect for diversity than average.

Laura, Jewish female, Los Angeles

I am familiar with a Jewish-European mentality that thinks the maximally friendly attitude is to ... offer a positively critical review that improves a situation or person.

P.B., Jewish male, Davis, Calif.

Jewish mothers raise their daughters to perpetuate the notion that whatever they do is best. The Jewish momma dresses the best, cooks the best, observes rules the best and knows the answers to queries the greatest minds have not even thought of. What wondrous creation of humanity for a role model.

L.H., Jewish male, Fort Lauderdale

There is a Yiddish word for what this woman is doing: "kvetching."

Bakum, 28, Jewish guy, San Francisco

Expert says

If your boss bugs you, be a mensch, get off your tuchas and talk to her! And don't tie her disagreeableness to being Jewish. It's a personality trait, not a cultural one.

That's the gist of advice from Barbara Held, a psychology professor at Bowdoin College in Maine and writer of Stop Smiling, Start Kvetching: A 5-Step Guide to Creative Complaining (St. Martin's Griffin).

"What difference does it make what the cause of the behavior is, anyway, if it disrupts the workplace?" she said.

Held, who is Jewish, distinguishes between kvetching -- complaining about life in general -- and putting down others. While the former can be a humorous stereotype of Jewish mothers (the masters of which might be dubbed "yentas"), the latter isn't typically ascribed to Jewish females.

"[Kvetching] is expressing the harshness of living: 'Oy vey, I have a bad cold! I'm never gonna get well. ... I'm never gonna finish this work,' etc.," she said. That's not a bad thing if it makes a person feel better and draws others to them.

Ultimately, even if data did link kvetching or criticizing to a certain culture, that wouldn't excuse behavior that creates problems, Held stressed.

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers, or mail to Phillip Milano, c/o The Florida Times-Union, P.O. Box 1949, Jacksonville, FL 32231. Include contact information.