Dare to Ask: The couple that stays together ... looks alike

By Phillip Milano

Question

Do people really start looking the same after many years of marriage?

Andy, 57, Jacksonville

Replies

I feel it's being in the same environment: For years, the two of you eat the same basic food, are exposed to the same chemicals, have the same stresses, etc. So, one's surroundings and life story run much the same path, helping make the couple more alike in the long run.

Anne C., 49, Indianapolis

I don't think couples mold into each other's appearance. We subconsciously choose partners who look like [us].

Lady Jane, 24, Los Angeles

When I met my husband, we couldn't believe the things we had in common. So do we tend to "mold" into one another? It's worth looking into. I am blond; my husband has black hair, so in that category, we don't [look like each other]. But we like a lot of the same stuff, have some of the same qualities and enjoy watching most of the same shows.

Rachel, Flint, Mich.

Expert says

If it's true we all start looking like each other after spending too much time together, imagine the misery among the three co-hosts at "Sports Final Radio" on 1010XL in Jacksonville. One dude's physique, the other's physiognomy, the other's ... the other's ... uh, phantasmagoria (yeah, that's it! Because it's surreal when he bails on the show before it's over).

And no, this has nothing to do with "SFR" naming us to its "Pest of the Day" Hall of Fame for daring to write about things like adult video stars, even though such columns use no naughty language and would require a tot to know too much about pornography to even understand - and even though "SFR's" own Web page has photos of a guy hitting a bong and chicks exposing huge amounts of cleavage. (Watch out kids! It's that word! Cleavage! Cover your eyes and sin no more!) We would never stoop to exacting petty revenge on a show we like but have now been deeply hurt by. We're not going to tarnish our reputation.

But really, what googan starts a radio show at 6 a.m. and calls it "Sports Final," anyway?

On to more important stuff:

Renowned social psychologist Robert Zajonc, who died in December, conducted a study at the University of Michigan in the late '80s. Judges were asked to match photos of men and women they felt most resembled each other. They often matched photos of couples who'd been married to each other for about 25 years. Not so when they were newlyweds.

Why? Zajonc theorized that similar diets might play a small role in people resembling each other because of how fatty tissues get deposited, but that mostly it was because spouses unwittingly copy each other's facial expressions to show empathy - which over years can carve similarities into each other's faces.

And since empathizing with each other leads to feelings of closeness, the couples that most looked like each other also reported being the happiest.

So take heart, "Sports Final" guys. You can be happy in your misery!

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Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip.milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts or watch his TV spots.