Dare to Ask: Polite, old-fashioned men a rare breed?

By Phillip Milano

The Florida Times-Union

Question

 Why is it so hard to find men between 22 and 33 who are old-fashioned? Decently dressed, well-kept, good taste, open doors… — Cynthia, 25, Toronto, Canada

Replies

Because respect for other people is being slowly bred out of our culture. — M., 39, male, Hickory, N.C.

A lot of women (myself included) … feel men like this think we are fragile. Apparently, men picked up on this. Good for them. — Ember, Phoenix

Asking a guy in his 20s to have good taste? They’re college sophomores — the origin of the term “sophomoric humor.” — Chris, 51, male, Windsor, Conn.

If I’m at a party with the bad-boy player, I won’t get a second glance. You are looking right through us. — Ralph, 34, New Jersey

My husband probably never sent a thank-you note before he met me but now writes them immediately. We’re working on consistent napkin usage. — G.M., 25, Somerville, Mass.

With equal rights, men questioned women’s desire for this treatment. — Charles, Detroit

If a boy’s father wasn’t like that, he won’t be. — Bethany, 17, Medford, Ore.

It’s usually the not-so-attractive guys who are the nicest, because they have to make up for the lack of looks. Maybe you’re looking in the wrong places. — Nick, 23, Newburgh, Ind.

Men are not taught to respect women (with the amount of porn easily available) [and] women 18-27 like to be treated like —— and pieces of meat. — Q., 25, male, Seattle

Everyone — man, woman or hermaphrodite — needs good manners. — Julie, 33, Woodbridge, Va.

Expert says

About 30 percent of men practice it. Another 40 percent want it. The rest just don’t get it.

Proper etiquette, that is.

So says Valerie Peterson, founder of Houston-based A Very Positive Outlook, a fatherhood consultant that teaches men manners.

“It’s still pretty bad out there. It’s across the board,” she said. “Men who wear suits, the etiquette piece goes out the door once they’re out of the spotlight. And blue-collar guys? They’re like 'What the hell, I’m going to get my TV tray, and I don’t give a rip what people say, I’m going to do my thing.’ ”

The main problem is men aren’t around enough, especially at dinner time, she said. It’s one thing for Mom to talk about manners; it’s another to have a male role model get the boys’ attention when giving instructions.

“No male is saying 'Stop all that burping, scratching and farting at the dinner table’ or 'How would you like your daughter bringing that home?’ ”

The No. 1 thing not being taught boys: courting.

“No one’s telling a young man how to act or talk on a date, that a girl shouldn’t be called a 'B’ or 'H’ or 'skank.’ It’s all about selfish tendencies now,” Peterson said. “No 'ladies first.’ There’s no sacrifice.”

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Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Keep the cross-cultural dialogue going at our Jacksonville.com blog or at www.yforum.com, or mail comments to Phillip Milano, Times-Union, P.O. Box 1949, Jacksonville, FL 32231. Send general column comments to yforum (at) yforum.com. You can also hear his podcasts.