Dare to Ask: Nice guy? A gal has her doubts
By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union
Why do girls always think guys are only out for sex? For example, when a guy
acts nice to so many girls, they claim he wants to get in their pants. When did
it become a crime to just be nice?
Robert, 17, Cromwell, Conn.
Maybe you should listen to your fellow men sometimes. Which is more common:
"I'd jump on that!" or "I bet she's really sweet"? Which would most guys go to
first, a strip club or a coffee shop? Hooters or Buffalo's? As the old saying
goes, "guys use love to get sex and women use sex to get love."
Mara D., Dallas, Ga.
It's a defense mechanism because they've probably been hit on since they were
like 15 by any number of dudes from different age ranges. And all of them were
being "nice" to her.
Jacob H., Atlanta
Unfortunately, when a female thinks a male is only out for sex, it is a
barrier she places between herself and them, based on past experiences or the
neglect of a "good" man in her life. Therefore, she views men as "dogs" and
their very purpose is to get some.
Lyrick, 20, female, Washington, D.C.
When women . . . have guys "talk" to their [breasts] instead of looking them
in the eyes, it's not hard to see why many think guys are only out for sex.
Shelly, 49, Pennsylvania
Some guys really are out for nothing but sex, and more have sex as a definite
goal than are generally willing to admit it. On the other hand, ladies, there is
a point at which it should become clear whether sex is the guy's primary goal or
Jason, Bloomington, Ind.
Is it true that ever since the first man grunted empathetically to a woman or
rolled a cave door open for her that he was really just trying to get under her
To hear L.A. dating coach Evan Marc Katz talk about the present-day love
game, you'd have to say it's quite possible.
"Generally women have it right . . . often a guy is trying to get to know a
woman under the guise of friendship so he can get close to her to ask her out,"
said Katz, who runs Advice From a Single Dating Expert.com and is author of Why
You're Still Single.
"This guy [Robert, above] is masking that and sounds in denial. What does he
want, a new friend? Most women know better."
Above all, Katz says, women want men who don't kowtow.
"Most men in healthy relationships treat their women well. But also, men have
[guts] and they make decisions. Nice guys try to 'nice' their way into women's
hearts. If there's a crime in being 'nice,' it's that it's ineffective [to
getting a date]. She wants a man she will respect and look up to. She doesn't
need a valet - 'Oh can I get your bags for you?' etc.
"There's nothing wrong with being nice . . . it's when you put a woman on a
pedestal that things don't work if you're trying to date her."
And if Robert really is just trying to be nice?
"He has nothing to worry about. The only reason he has to worry is if he is
using friendship as a way to ask her out and it's not working."
Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee),
moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's
Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general
column comments to phillip. firstname.lastname@example.org. You can also hear his
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