Dare to Ask: Is it OK for boy to sleep with Mom?

By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union

Question

My ex-wife continues to sleep with our 10-year-old son when he stays at her house. This is not a sexual thing. Is this unusual?

Joe, 51, Florida

Replies

I would be worried. Ten-year-old boys are coming into their sexual maturity soon, and they don't need to wake up with their mom lying next to them.

Sheri, 41, San Francisco

Your ex-wife is forming a closer bond. The mother has the power to impact her child for life. Your ex-wife feels it's not wrong to sleep with her 10-year-old son as long as the tie produces a healthy relationship. I concur.

L.C., Greenville, Miss.

She's way over-attached, and it might not be overtly sexual, but there's a serious "ick" factor, which will only get ickier as your son gets closer to puberty.

A., female, Missouri

If you're sure it's not in a sexual way, and the child is developing in a "normal" manner (he's not acting out sexually, he's developing appropriate boundaries, etc.), and she's not exposing him to her sexual activity, I'd say you're overreacting. There are cultures where the communal bed is kept for the entire life of a child.

Shelly, 49, New Alexandria, Pa.

Experts say

As with most issues, there are two sides to this mattress. Developmental psychologist Aletha Solter, founder of The Aware Parenting Institute and author of Helping Young Children Flourish, tucks in on the softer side, so to speak.

"It is normal for children to want closeness and reassurance at night whenever there is stress in their lives, because stress increases a child's attachment needs. Divorce of the parents can be a very stressful experience for children," she said by e-mail.

"Many children feel that their family has fallen apart, and they often blame themselves or fear that their parents will stop loving them. If [the] son is unable to sleep alone because of chronic anxiety, it might be a good idea for him to see a competent psychotherapist."

Not to throw rocks in that bed, but Kevin Kennedy, senior child psychologist with Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates in Boston, says, uh-uh.

Occasional visits to the parents' bed at scary times are OK, but overall (in U.S. culture at least), "It's not a good idea in terms of promoting autonomy. Kids should gain independence and ability to do things by themselves, like sleeping."

In divorces, where the child may seek increased closeness, Kennedy suggests running errands or completing projects together more often.

"Sometimes divorced parents respond in terms of their own need of companionship. It's [sleeping together] done under the guise of sensitivity to the child, but the parents are really meeting their own needs."

And as a child gets older, things can get trickier.

"It's treacherous territory when kids are 10 or 11, in pre- adolescence, where erotic aspects can be a factor," he said. "I advise parents to never do it."

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip. milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts or watch his TV spots.