DARE TO ASK: Birds do it, bees do it, teens do, too

By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union

Question

Why don't teens cherish their virginity anymore?

Anna, 17, Memphis, Tenn.

Replies

It bothers me when friends say they went to a party and "did it" with this or that person. I'm waiting until marriage -- and maybe then some. If you think about it, it has to do with a person's family background as well.

Surf, 15, female, Jacksonville

A lot of teenagers tend to be pressured into doing things, and from there on it's no big deal. I plan on saving it until my wedding day.

Jen, 17, Jacksonville

While my husband and I were each other's first, we did not wait until marriage. Our wedding night was hectic enough without added expectations.

Meg, 21, Gainesville

At 18, I decided I was ready to lose my virginity. No one told me the babies that would one day pass through my womb deserved it to be a place of honor.

Tami G., 34, Dallas

Expert says

We could serve up some numbers that discuss what teens tell survey-takers when asked for their innermost feelings about having sex. Or we could just go ahead and tell you how many of them are doing it and get on with reality.

The Kaiser Family Foundation reported in January 2005 that the percentage of high school students who had had sexual intercourse declined between 1993 and 2003, from 53 percent to 47 percent.

Another study released around the same time by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services found that the proportion of never-married girls ages 15 to 17 who had had sexual intercourse dropped from 38 percent in 1995 to 30 percent in 2002. At age 18 to 19, 68 percent had had sex in 1995, about the same as in 2002. During the same period, the percent of sexually active male teens dropped from 43 percent to 31 percent at ages 15 to 17, and from 75 percent to 64 percent at ages 18 to 19.

However, Jonathan Klein, chairman of an American Academy of Pediatrics committee on teen pregnancy, said he hasn't noticed a big change in how teens value virginity. A more relevant question, he said, is whether they can discuss decisions they make about their sexual behavior openly with their parents and health care providers.

"The right place to talk about values is with parents who aren't judgmental about what [health care] services might be offered," he said. "If you frame it as being about virginity, you miss the point that all our teens need to make decisions about how to be responsible. ... We recommend giving them comprehensive health reproductive information including abstinence, HIV prevention and birth control."

And before parents get too complacent because of the lower numbers: "technical virginity" -- not having sex but engaging in other sexual behaviors -- is rising among teens, according to data from the Centers for Disease Control.

"So it's important for parents to talk with their teens about their expectations and values," Klein said. "Those kinds of discussions can have a big impact on how teens choose to act."

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers, or mail to Phillip Milano, c/o The Florida Times-Union, P.O. Box 1949, Jacksonville, FL 32231. Include contact information.